I think we need to deal with some semantics before answering this question. First the “truly” is associated with a romantic notion of “true love” which is more about an ideal and fairy tales than reality.

Next there is the “in love” vs “love”. I think this is a silly distinction but I’ll never forget one of my first experiences with unrequited love in which I told the girl I was “in love” with her, and she corrected me, explaining that being “in love” meant that the feelings were reciprocated. That explanation did not feel good to put it mildly. I don’t know if I buy the distinction, but for simplicity’s sake let’s just call it “love”.

Love is a feeling. It’s not a rational decision. There’s nothing logical about it. If you are lucky, and have grown up with healthy models of relationships, and have internalized the healthy example of loving caretakers, your love for someone will align with many rational and logical choices, meaning the person you love will be a good fit for a healthy, loving and reciprocal relationship.

However, that’s not always the case, and feelings are not based on reason. Many people love those who hurt them or who otherwise unkind or uncaring towards them. I certainly have.

In fact, you can love someone and not even like them, because liking someone is more connected with your rational side. This is very confusing, but can sadly result in us loving someone who not only does not love us back, but may also cause us regular pain through various forms of abuse or neglect.

One of the most important lessons anyone can learn in life is that if someone doesn’t return your feelings, they are not a good match for you. It’s unfortunately a lesson that some people never learn.

While I don’t love the word, “normal”, this is very very common, and is something I’d expect in many cases.

This is how it generally goes:

1. We develop ways to survive particular circumstances as a child,
2. These methods become maladaptive as adults and get in our way, interfere with our relationships, become obstacles to our goals.
3. Combined with a distorted sense of self, the individual operates with a “false self” as a facade that protects a fragile inner child. (This occurs in conjunction with #2)
4. The person goes to therapy because they recognize that their are significant problems in their life, and want help in finding ways to live in the world more optimally.
5. Together the therapist and patient, learn about many of the underlying issues that may be correlated with their maladaptive patterns and distorted sense of self.
6. Together they begin to deconstruct the false facade the individual has been operating with for most of their life, which they recognize is causing them many issues.
7. At some point, of things go well in therapy, the facade is broken down as are many of the maladaptive behaviors.
8. The individual finds themself without a solid sense of identity, and without many mechanisms, now that they’ve discarded their false self and maladaptive coping mechanisms.
9. The person feels lost, and even less stable then they did before when they had the use of their false self and old coping mechanisms.
10. The person now has the incredible opportunity to develop a new sense of self more based on reality and who they truly are, as opposed to one that had been imposed on them by their childhood circumstances.
11. The person can now develop healthier copying mechanisms that do not get in the way of creating healthy relationships and personal goals.

You can see how in #9 things have gotten worse, but are in fact a sign of progress. While it’s a wonderful opportunity for personal growth, the person generally goes through a period of vulnerability and fragility, before they right themselves and find their way.