While many of my clients are attractive in various ways, I have never wanted to be involved with them in any other kind of relationship outside of the therapeutic one.

Once I take on someone as a client, I take on a very special role as therapist, which means that my sole aim is to help them with whatever they are dealing with. There is no expectation that they do anything for me except come to sessions and pay my fee. Developing such a relationship is very complex and deep-rooted, which makes it very hard to imagine any other kind of relationship with them.

They do not know me, except in my role as therapist. Even if they idealize me in this role, they do not know me in other contexts. To me, real attraction happens when there are reciprocated feelings. In therapy they are completely contextual. I only know them as clients, and they only know me as therapist. To have any other kind of relationship would me two very different people meeting in another context, which is not something I would ever do.

But it’s very easy for me to see that they are smart, funny, charming, beautiful, handsome, ambitious, creative, kind, sensitive, etc., which are all qualities I find very attractive.

 

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First of all, trust must be earned. It’s not a given.

OK, so you have broader trust issues. I understand that. There’s probably good reason for you to have such issues. When people repeatedly fail us we, understandably, have a hard time trusting new people.

So how do we learn to give people a chance?

To start with, find a therapist whose words resonate with you in some way, and who you feel relatively ok speaking with. Most therapists these days have a web presence where they write about their approach or philosophy around therapy. Many therapists will provide a brief initial phone consultation. These are opportunities to get a feel for the person.

If all that seems relatively good, you make an appointment. No, you still won’t trust the therapist. And you shouldn’t. You don’t know them. They still need to earn it.

A great way to test out how reliable and trustworthy they are is to talk about your issues around trust.

See how they respond. Do they seem judgmental? Do they seem open minded? Are they really listening?

If you think or feel they are being judgmental or not listening or anything else negative, tell them about that.

This is part of your test. See how they respond. Are they open to taking criticism? Do they seem to take in what you are saying?

The point is you can’t force yourself to get over your trust issues, nor should you.

You will only get over them after people can prove to you repeatedly that they are trustworthy. In order to do this you must give them that chance. And a second and third chance as well depending on what the situation is. If you walk away too soon you’ll never know if someone can be really trustworthy.

You’ll have to learn the difference between someone’s honest mistake or error in judgment and someone not being worthy of your trust. That’s going to take some time, patience, and a lot of testing.

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The danger is that those issues will continually impact and shape our lives without us understanding what is going on. This means that on many levels your past is controlling who you are in the present, instead of you being the author of your own life.

People often erroneously think that by ignoring or sweeping past issues under the rug, they are no longer a factor in their lives, when in fact this is when they have the most power over you. When we do not address what is unconscious, it has the most control over who we are, without us even understanding how or why.

These are just a few possibilities of how you past issues and unconscious mind can impact your present life.

If you want to call the shots and not let your unconscious be the puppet master, you should address whatever issues you have. Know that issues don’t necessarily get “solved”, but by making them conscious, you get to make the choices instead of having them made for you.

 

While I don’t love the word, “normal”, this is very very common, and is something I’d expect in many cases.

This is how it generally goes:

  1. We develop ways to survive particular circumstances as a child,
  2. These methods become maladaptive as adults and get in our way, interfere with our relationships, become obstacles to our goals.
  3. Combined with a distorted sense of self, the individual operates with a “false self” as a facade that protects a fragile inner child. (This occurs in conjunction with #2)
  4. The person goes to therapy because they recognize that their are significant problems in their life, and want help in finding ways to live in the world more optimally.
  5. Together the therapist and patient, learn about many of the underlying issues that may be correlated with their maladaptive patterns and distorted sense of self.
  6. Together they begin to deconstruct the false facade the individual has been operating with for most of their life, which they recognize is causing them many issues.
  7. At some point, of things go well in therapy, the facade is broken down as are many of the maladaptive behaviors.
  8. The individual finds themself without a solid sense of identity, and without many mechanisms, now that they’ve discarded their false self and maladaptive coping mechanisms.
  9. The person feels lost, and even less stable then they did before when they had the use of their false self and old coping mechanisms.
  10. The person now has the incredible opportunity to develop a new sense of self more based on reality and who they truly are, as opposed to one that had been imposed on them by their childhood circumstances.
  11. The person can now develop healthier copying mechanisms that do not get in the way of creating healthy relationships and personal goals.

You can see how in #9 things have gotten worse, but are in fact a sign of progress. While it’s a wonderful opportunity for personal growth, the person generally goes through a period of vulnerability and fragility, before they right themselves and find their way.

 

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